Becoming Yourself Through Separation, Not Perfect Love
- Dr. Jing Baer
- Oct 16
- 5 min read
Luna Zhang
The Birth of the Self Always Begins with Separation
Preface: Becoming Yourself Through Separation Is Not About Excusing Parents
Before anything else, let’s be clear: this reflection is not an attempt to absolve parents of responsibility.
Many parents have, in fact, been careless, controlling, emotionally absent, or even abusive.
Those experiences are real, and their impact runs deep. To acknowledge that is not to stay trapped in blame; it is to tell the truth. And truth is where healing begins. What follows is not written to excuse harm, but to help us understand how the self takes shape even within imperfect, and sometimes painful, circumstances. in this light, becoming yourself through separation names a path where truth-telling precedes forgiveness.
Because understanding does not mean forgiving too quickly. It means reclaiming the power to decide what the pain will become inside of us— whether it will harden into resentment, or open into consciousness.
The Myth of Perfect Love
Our generation carries an acute awareness of trauma. We know too well what it means to be controlled, neglected, shamed. And we have learned to trace our adult struggles—our sensitivity, anxiety, people-pleasing, self-blame— back to the wounds of childhood.
It’s common to ask:
“If my parents had loved me better, would I be more whole now?”
That question feels reasonable.But sometimes, it hides a dangerous illusion—the illusion that a human being can grow a clear, grounded sense of self inside a perfectly safe, endlessly understanding environment.
The truth is simpler and harder: If you were always perfectly met, you would never have become a self at all.
The Birth of “I”: How Becoming Yourself Through Separation Begins
Imagine a child still inside the womb—warm, surrounded, unmet by conflict, never needing to speak.
That’s the fantasy of a “perfect childhood”:
no disappointment, no anger, no delay, no rupture.
But if you never experienced “I want” and the world saying “no”, you would never have discovered who the “I” even is. Because without separation, there is no individual.
Without tension, there is no self. Trauma, in this light, is not failure. It is the crack through which the self begins to breathe.
What Pain Teaches in Becoming Yourself Through Separation
Every growing person will inevitably meet moments of not being understood, not being loved, not being protected.
And those very moments are when we first begin to learn:
I can be different from others.
My feelings are not someone else’s fault.
I can respond to myself, protect myself, and choose for myself.
The places where you thought you were broken are often the very places your subjectivity first emerged. You didn’t become yourself because you were always loved— you became yourself because, in the absence of love, you finally began to recognize who you are.
The Imperfect Parents and the Birth of Humanity
There are no perfect parents. Their limitations are part of the human condition— not evidence of their malice. Many of us still carry anger toward our parents:
“You forced me to play piano, and now I can’t feel joy in music.”
“You didn’t protect me; that’s why I still live in fear.”
“You gave me too much pressure,” or “You gave me no guidance at all.”
Beneath such words often lies another sentence:
“I don’t yet know my own value.
I don’t yet know how to carry the consequences of my life.
So for now—I have to blame you.”
Blaming is sometimes not about punishing our parents, but about postponing the moment we face reality.
From Idealization to Reality: The Psychology of Becoming Yourself
Every child must one day journey from
“My parents are omnipotent gods” to “My parents are limited human beings.”
That transition is painful.
It comes with disappointment, anger, even accusation—
because when we were little, idealizing our parents was a survival strategy.
We needed to believe they were safe, powerful, right.
But as adults, we awaken to their imperfections, their mistakes, their humanity.
And the anger that rises is the psyche’s way of saying:
“You are not who I imagined—and now I must become who I am.”
Blame, in that sense, is the psychological sound of individuation beginning.
It means: I want to stand apart. I am ready to grow—even if I’m afraid.
What Adult Children Really Long For
When grown children confront their parents,
it’s often not revenge they want, but recognition:
“Can you admit that what you said back then hurt me?”
“Can you lower your defenses and simply listen to how I felt?”
“Can you see that what you called love didn’t always feel like love to me?”
This longing is not childish.
It’s the heart’s way of saying: I still wish to meet you as equals. And if that meeting never happens, it’s not the end— it’s simply the sign that it’s time to parent ourselves.
Letting Go of the Ideal Parent and Continuing to Become Yourself
We eventually have to release the fantasy of the ideal parent: the one who never yells, never projects, never fails. That figure doesn’t exist. It’s the residue of a part of us that hasn’t yet been weaned— the child still waiting for a god-like being to “finally understand me.”
But you are no longer a child. The question is no longer:
“Was I hurt?”
The real question is:
“Am I ready to take responsibility for my life now?”
Because you are no longer the victim. You are the one who can now respond.
The Gift of Imperfection in Becoming Yourself Through Separation
There are no unscarred children, and no parents without regret.
But there is something more powerful: the ability to see, to feel, to integrate.
The possibility of transforming wounds into insight, and pain into choice.
You don’t need your parents to change before you can be free.
You don’t need to wait for someone perfectly healed to love you.
You don’t even need to finish judging your parents before you start living your own life.
Their limitations belong to their time, not to your destiny.
You don’t need to prove you were a “good child.”
You only need to be the person who is consciously becoming.
The one who stands in the present moment, ready to choose differently.
That is the true beginning of becoming yourself.
Epilogue: You Were Always Becoming Yourself Through. Separation
The self is not born from safety,
but from rupture.
Not from being fully understood,
but from learning to understand ourselves.
You were never meant to be loved perfectly.
You were meant to awaken—to become.
At Roiya Center for Experiential Healing, we offer pathways for different needs:
Roiya Counseling trauma-responsive psychotherapy for deeper healing.
Roiya Lab prevention-focused workshops on boundaries, body awareness, and resilience skills.
Roiya Circle community talks, conversations, and connection without the therapy frame.
Roiya Intensive immersive programs for concentrated growth and role practice.
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